The “Screaming Enema Cafe” will reopen (downtown, in the old Western Auto building) with its special brand of spicy foods and drinks. Just look for the flames and listen for the sounds of the gastrointestinal distress!
“Arts Over Cromwell” will be holding their annual “Art Festival in the Park” this coming weekend. Come out and enjoy the various booths featuring paintings, photography, sculpture and topiary.
Heckling will be strictly prohibited and punishable by a fine and public chastisement.
Cromwell ISD has announced that it will close three of the four elementary schools and consolidate them into four different schools, which will include campuses where the schools are currently located plus one in the old Western Auto building downtown. This seems like a lot of trouble to us at Head 9 News, but–
News bulletin: the school board has decided not to bother as so few kids come to class anymore anyway.
Cromwell is proud to announce that no one in town wears a mask anymore, except when robbing the bank, which is happening way too often. We ask whoever is doing this to please stop. (Wearing the mask, we mean, the bank robbing’s not as big a deal because it doesn’t infringe on personal liberties.)
The Youth Group of the Next to Last Baptist Church of Cromwell is excited to announce that their Spring Mixer 2020, which was postponed for no good reason, will finally be taking place this Friday night in the church gym. Kids 7th grade to 12th can come out and expect a good time. We promise. A GOOD time. Got that? a GOOD time.
The Cromwell School Board is reminding kids and parents that just because all the homeschool kids in town are doing better, more emotionally stable, not bullied, and getting into the best colleges, that in no way reflects on the inadequacies of CISD.
The first new business of our post-pandemic world is “Bob’s Bargain Second-Hand Mask” store. Located in the old Western Auto store in downtown Cromwell, it’s your go-to place for all the useless leftovers of the pandemic. As Bob says, “Now that we don’t have to wear that #$%@, I’m betting wearing it as ironic kitsch is really going to be big.” Bob will also continued to sell the same quality merchandise he has dispensed from his hand-cart for years, including lawn darts and clackers.
The mayor has announced that Cromwell is removing the mask mandate, except for ugly people. You know who you are.
The Cromwell High School girls’ soccer team would like to remind everyone that there is no longer a rule saying just 10 people to a gathering.
Now that the lockdown is over … where is everybody?
Due to the dearth of sporting events nationwide, Cromwell’s own “15th Annual Marmot Toss” will be broadcast this Sunday on ESPN! Followed by a one hour “Panel Discussion of Disgust” presented by PETA. Our mayor. Lem Schooly, will present Cromwell’s position that only marmots who have volunteered are allowed to participate.
Cromwell remains the only town in the state without a single registered or even rumored case of Covid-19 (The Chinese Virus). Come on, people! It’s like you’re not even trying!
Remember last week when the Cromwell Police Department assured us we didn’t need to worry because everyone was wearing masks due to the Wuhan Virus? Well, maybe we should be a little worried because someone wearing an N95 mask robbed the 3rd National Bank of Cromwell yesterday. If you know anything about this crime, please call the Cromwell Police Department at your earliest convenience.
Moving quickly, before anyone could say otherwise, the Cromwell High Track Team declared themselves State Champions. Way to Goe men’s and women’s Roundheads!
A recent study conducted by Head9News in conjunction with Cromwell Junior College and Rubber Stampery reveals that the corona virus “shelter in place” order will effect Cromwell less than any other city in the state because no one ever goes out and does anything anyway and we hate this stupid town.
The Cromwell City Board of Regents voted last week that, if the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl, new signs will be erected at the city limits claiming that Patrick Mahomes was born here.
Is your church or civic organization doing anything special in honor of Thanksgiving this year? Please inform Head9News as we’re all looking for somewhere to spend the holidays, what with our wives kicking us out and all.
The Cromwell Ministerial Alliance has asked Head9News to correct last week’s article wherein we referred to their new initiative as “a program to let folks far and wide know that Cromwell is a town that preys”. Apparently, that was supposed to be “prays”. We apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused anyone, especially our police department.
Cromwell Junior High’s Science Bowl team is inviting the public to come out this Thursday afternoon as the team practices for the state finals in Brownwood. Stephanie Marshook, the faculty advisor for the team, asked Head9News to remind the public not to shout out the answers but we assured her there was little chance anyone dumb enough to come to the practice would know any of the answers.
The Cromwell High School Homecoming game is this Friday night at Roundhead Stadium. Everyone who remembers what they were are encouraged to wear the school colors!
Cromwell Senior Citizens Center is asking all visitors to stop wishing the senior citizen members a “Happy Fall” as that kind of sends a mixed message with everything else we’re trying to do.
The Borrowed Burrito, Cromwell’s longest-surviving bookstore, would like to remind the people of Cromwell that they still exist. They would also like to remind everyone that people who read actual, print-on-real-paper books are just better than everyone else, studies have shown it.
The Greater Cromwell Horticultural Society would like to announce their annual “Largest Rutabaga” competition. In addition to the usual prizes of $50 and your picture in the paper, the winner will also be given a certificate from the mayor assuring their right to not eat rutabagas for the coming year.
Would everyone putting up Halloween decorations this year please stop making them look so realistic? That one with all the friendly politicians on Jade Ave., for instance, is really creeping everyone out.
The Cromwell No-Kill Animal Shelter would like to remind the public that it never promised anyone that the animals wouldn’t kill each other.
The Cromwell Minor League Baseball finished their best season ever with a record of 112-0. Warning: sources within the team have threatened to hack into Head9News but we do not find the threat credible.
The top bidder to take over the space where the sour gas plant used to be is Uncle Larry’s Pig Farm.
Everyone who is in a panic because they thought they saw the northern lights this far south last night can rest assured that it was just the sour gas plant blowing up.
Come out this Thursday night and support the Cromwell Junior High 8th Grade Boys Football team who have high hopes of scoring their first touchdown in six years!
Everyone who is running for mayor is encouraged to submit a petition signed by at least eight of your fellow residents and provide proof of residency, citizenship and at least a Class C driver’s license. Deadline for filing is sometime tomorrow.
Correction: the winner of the 3rd grade spelling bee at Swamp Buggy Elementary was actually Eloise “Flossie” Chin.
Word of Wisdom: A kind word today will be remembered tomorrow if it’s in someone’s best interest to do so
Wait! Who’s writing these things now? My ex-brother-in-law?!?!
The Cromwell Association of Retailers have announced that their theme for the upcoming holiday season is “Forget that ‘Best Things in Life are Free’ Crap and Buy, Dangit!”
The Cromwell Parks and Rec Department is proud to announce that this year’s Labor Day Concert in Roundhead Park will feature an Eagles tribute band, a “Disco Lives” tribute band, a Dan Fogelberg tribute band, a Glenn Miller tribute orchestra and, for reasons that surprise even the CPRD, the actual Rolling Stones. Tickets are a dollar and all proceeds go to restocking the park johns with toilet paper.
Help Wanted: sweet little grandmother needs someone to read to her. Violent and vulgar books preferred. Must be able to swear with feeling.
After a series of break-ins have plagued homes on the east side of town, Cromwell Police Detective Andrew O’Tool has announced that the one thing all the break-ins have in common is that no one on the east side apparently has anything worth stealing and they are, therefore, looking for someone who is insane or just bored.
The Cromwell Highway Church of Christ will be holding open tryouts for their non-instrumental band this Sunday after service.
The Cromwell Noon Lions Club would like to announce that they are actually the Cromwell Evening Kiwanis Club and would like to apologize for any confusion.
Cromwell Independent School District has completed their annual survey of the C.I.S.D. system and has uncovered the surprising fact that there are actually four elementary schools in town, which is one more than was expected. Many people who have seen the report stopped reading further at about that point.
Food Alert: if you ate any food in Cromwell last Thursday night, after 8, no matter where you purchased it, please see a doctor as soon as possible. There is no reason to be alarmed.
The prospective adoptive parents of CR 3171, between mile markers 8 and 11, would like to invite their closest friends to a gender reveal party at mile marker 10 this Sunday, at 2 pm or whenever the Rangers game is over.
Even though the Cromwell minor league baseball team has passed Stumptown for third place in the southern division of the Green Grass League, many alert Cromwelliams have noticed that the team still doesn’t have a name or mascot. When Head9News caught up with President of Baseball Operations Bud Bloom, he explained, “Well, we saw how much publicity–even on the national stage–Amarillo got when they gave their new team a stupid name. So we challenged the community to come up with a name even dumber than ‘Sod Poodles’. So far, no one has been able to.”
Clarty’s Gas Station is proud to announce that they have finally remembered to put water in the windshield washing stations at each gas pump. Come on by and see what a clean windshield can look like!
The Cromwell Best Business Bureau is happy to welcome “Suds an’ Me” to the downtown area. “Suds” is a Dallas-area chain (we think) who is bringing their unique brand of automated laundry to the Cromwell area. Come in this Saturday (in the old Western Auto Building on the south side of the square) for a complimentary wash of one sock and free high-balls with each pair of altered slacks.
The Cromwell Carnegie Public Library’s Friends of the Library Club is proud to announce they will not be holding mud fest again this year. They also want you to know that if you really were a friend of the library you would come by or at least call now and then.
Volunteer Police Chief Ellen Vargas has been tapped with the honor of attending the Texas State Volunteer Police Officers Convention, which will be held this year in Frognot, TX. The whole town is invited to come out this Saturday night and watch her hop the eastbound freight train sometime after midnight.
The Cromwell League of Non-Specific Voters will be holding a Bake, Rummage and Tire Sale this Saturday in the old Western Auto building downtown. Cash only. All sales final. No one under 18 admitted, for reasons this newspaper is unclear on.
The Cromwell Adult Women’s Volleyball team is holding open tryouts this Saturday at the Cromwell High School Gymnasium. Special consideration will be given to anyone who brings back the pump we lost last year.
The Cromwell Philatelic Society would like to invite the public to their annual “The Word Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Does” symposium.
The Next-to-Last Methodist Church is wishing all of their graduating seniors a great life to come. [Note: we’re talking high school seniors, not the senior citizens. Though, now that we think about it, we’re kind of wishing the old ones good luck on the next life, too.]
The annual Memorial Day celebration in Roundhead Park will not include the firing of the town cannon this year, for obvious reasons.
Cromwell Splash Park is proud to announce that the City Board of Health has upgraded our water from “Not on Your Life” to “Swim at Your Own Risk”. The “Don’t swallow” recommendation is still in place.
The Cromwell Fire Department reports that there were no fires, no rescues, and not even any needs for stern warnings last week. Said Fire Chief Mac McMahan, “The people of Cromwell are to be congratulated, but if this keeps up, we’re going to start to think you’re not trying or something.”
Cromwell Regional Hospital is proud to announce that it has been recognized as the “most MRSA-free hospital” in the State of Texas. Visitors to the hospital are asked to be on their guard, however, as the feral cat problem in the bottom three floors is reaching epidemic proportions.
Lost and Found: If anyone comes across a blue, Puma sneaker lost somewhere in the region of Roundhead Park on the west side of Cromwell, please return it to this newspaper. Honesty is it’s own reward.
Bothersome Bob’s BBQ is announcing a second location!
In addition to the already popular location in downtown Cromwell, a second BBBBQ will be opening at the airport in the old Spicy Dave’s Rancheria and Ravioli building.
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Lost: A man’s tie clip with the initials J. B. O. engraved on the front.
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Wonder: Who in Cromwell even wears a tie anymore?
Richard Dolomite, owner of Rockin’ Ricky’s Records and Stereo Equipment (downtown Cromwell, next to the Day Old Bakery and Week Old Fishery) credits his store’s longevity on the fact that, well, now that he thinks about it, he can’t figure out why he’s still open.
Cromwell I.S.D. would like to invite the public to this year’s presentation from the drama club. Cromwell Elementary is proud to be the first school in the nation to present the complete 2nd century B.C. Greek play Thais with a cast made up entirely of fifth graders.
The Cromwell Planetarium will re-open following a complete remodel as a result of the electrical fire that happened last year when the director forgot to take the foil wrapper off his leftover burrito before putting it in the microwave.
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The SupAll Convenience Store (34th and the Dimmitt Highway) would like to remind everyone that under no circumstances should you EVER put one of their burritos in a microwave.